Inferiority

In a world of young adults, there are those who are still lost in doubting and thinking of their quality as a functional entity when the majority of the people of the same age range has a clear vision of their existence.

Ever since I got through that disillusionment phase from three to four years ago, my life is all about brooding over my inferiority.

Jack-of-all-trades, but a master of none.

It really hurt when I realized I fell in that category. Because it simply meant, I can do well in any category or field, but I will never have a chance to be superior in only a single category. I lost the chance to consider myself “excellent” in one, single, particular field.

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Talent versus Skill

Everyone strives to do well in a field they choose to want to excel in, or wherever their aptitude has brought them too. While me, I’m forever stuck at so many possibilities in my life without bringing myself any glory in only a single field.

Aptitude (n.)
1a: Inclination, tendency; b: a natural ability;
2: capacity for learning;
3: general suitability
(Merriam-Webster)

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I can do this, I can do that, I can do so many stuff. But it will never feel enough, because not even the thought that no one can have the same multiple aptitudes as me. It’s really because I will only find fulfillment in seeing myself achieving the state of being a proficient, adept or excellent performer.

It just leaves me frustrated.

I have always known “talents don’t become skills unless you work on them”. Or to sound more professional, “one cannot actualize their potentialities without effort― at the restriction of their historicity“.

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Mediocrity

In other words, it is a matter of feeling like I am a collection of mediocre pieces of so many things rather than feeling like a superb Mr. Do-It-All (or Mr. Know-It-All).

You know me. I hate mediocrity, in a sense that it is about striving to be at least beyond normal rather than barely reaching the normal range.

I cannot help but assess myself, because before I would sell myself, self assessment would be very important. It is very important to know one’s own true value before we calculate to sell ourselves a bit overpriced than that, so that we don’t end up too overpriced.

And with all honesty, I am too mediocre, despite talented.

See me instantly detecting chords, keys and notes? My capacity is only up to that point. My hands aren’t as skilled as a normal professional pianist’s.

See me pick up so much grammatical errors and contextual incongruence? My capacity is only up to that point. I can never be a good writer. I do not have the skill to write coherently, expressively and professionally.

See me being a very good computer expert, in terms of problem solving and troubleshooting? Again, I am only up to that point. I am far below an actual computer expert.

I’ve already been advised by so many people to shift to this degree, or that degree,or whatever. That has totally put me to chaos, simply because in other people’s varying perspectives, I fit in a field I don’t currently take a path in. And despite the absolute imperfection of those perspectives, it simply is a sound opinion to at least hear out simply because outside of our own body, of our systematic rational existence, there are people who see what we don’t see.

I don’t have to spell it out.

My aptitude rests nowhere other than in my analytical thinking.

I can only analyze, critique, correct, teach and guide. But never produce something worthy of being seen as excellent.

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State of Disillusionment

So approximately four years ago, I’ve faced my state of disillusionment.

I’ve seen how much flaw I have as a person, and how inconsistent the reality of my rational existence is when compared to what people believed I am was.

Oh, in case you don’t get that notation: From “believe I am” to “believed I was“.

I have come to realize that no matter how many praises I got for looking like I shine, the reality that I actually am no good in the real world stuck in my mind.

Those words were simply praises for show, out of courtesy and politeness,” I realized.

And there you get the picture. Constant distrust. An additional contributing factor to my paranoid personality. The very same paranoid personality that has already been conceived upon realizing people, seeing how I seemed to “excel”, would leech off of me. The realization that people would only take advantage of me.

What a wretched life.

So no matter how people would believe in me, my system immediately rejects those words, because my mind will only recognize them as “flowery words of deceit”. And consequently, my confidence suffers.

Now you see how complicated the human rationality is, in a sense that it will be easy for you to now see that it was, and will still continue to be, a domino effect.

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Reality is Cruel

That’s why it’s been easy for me to realize what kind of psycho-social approach I would take in my future career: Humanistic.

By realizing humans are born to struggle, no deity will save them from immediate trouble, religion must not constitute to fatalism (e.g. a greater purpose, God’s plan), human struggle is uniform across all nationalities, races, or religions… it brought me to realize that everything I went through was simply a structure: a complicated personality, negligence of self, lack of self-consciousness despite the extreme consciousness of one’s actions, society, and culture. Clearly, it is an interplay of internal and external factors across time and space.

“It will be better if I accepted I am mediocre,” and look how it manifested: I no longer am that feisty guy who’d be a gaudy show-off.

By facing a harsh reality, despite seeing my confidence constantly plummet, it’s also accepting what I really am, how my skills really compare with actual practitioners or performers, and being true to the actuality of the embodiment of my rational existence.

Because reality does not readily change.

It would be easy to change when for example, a gray wall faces a reality that “the wall is not green” was painted green to alter reality.

But human capabilities and personality takes decades to develop, and a lifetime to persist.

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Long story short.

I really feel frustrated that I’m just like this, an all-chords musician, a terrible writer, an all-talk-no-action (extremely idealistic) kind of a person, et cetera.

I really feel frustrated that despite so many possibilities that I possess, they should have been a current actuality had I worked on them long ago. To the point that the list includes my social skills.

But it’s easier to accept the reality I live in, and its nature of not easily yielding to efforts of changing it.

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Post script: I decided I’ll add anime screen caps of anime characters that show an appropriate emotion as a featured photo, from this post onward. That is, in the case I can’t add a good actual photo of mine.

Unwelcome.

To be unwelcome is to be a subject of exclusion right at first meeting. Clearly, when coupled with a suspected avoidant personality disorder (fear of rejection), it gets too adverse.

So I’ve said in my introduction months ago that I’ve just started as a psychology student just about half a year ago, in a new school, in a nearby city that was supposed to be very close to the ethno-cultural atmosphere that I grew up in.

Look who got his hopes too high.

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What I’ve persistently complained about in my entire life

Perhaps one problem with being avoidant and being conscious of it is the fact that you want to break your cycle of being rejected by a group or circle, yet it persists as a cycle that eventually, you’ll mess up and cause your own stigma, or group rejection, whatever that is.

You want to change, but you know you’re always bound to fail.

You want to belong; yet you’re afraid of being consumed by group mentality. Of the “crowd”.

So you end up constantly questioning yourself, “is being unique wrong?”

Because it feels like a crime, and people make me feel like they’re insisting “ignorance of the law excuses no one”.

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So what happened?

I have to cut the long story short, in a single paragraph, because the stress of that time may have caused me to even perceive the situation wrong. Although, I must say that it’s been long since it happened, and it’s practically too late to be ranting about it now.

So I think I may have responded rudely in a group chat intended to just make a point that even if one party is insisting that they are firm to not excuse someone, no one has to raise voices. In unconventional English. And that, was my first impression left in the entire psychological society of my school.

I must say that I actually got a panic attack that consequently led to that answer of mine; I was feverish, palpitated and agitated.

What’s more, it’s the fact that I, for another time in my life, have made a bad public impression. It’s something traumatic for me, considering I’ve always felt like what the public thinks of me is a guy who simply snaps at everything, unapproachable and stand-offish. Someone who’s beaming with too much confidence and intimidating others with the aptitude he seems to bear.

Sadly, it’s partly not that way anymore.

I’ve lost confidence long ago, and I now am trying hard to be conscious in case I get too obnoxious or annoying. And trying to not be annoying might be too annoying, and it is, in fact, another level of unnecessary consciousness.

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Ostracism and Bullying

Did I mention that I have a history for being a victim of bullying and ostracism in my primary education years? It actually went unnoticed, probably because it didn’t register in my mind. The only time I realized it was the time it’s almost a year when I graduated from that school.

You know what’s next? It’s that phase when you’d outright hate society for being cruel and unjust, further causing you problems. There’s the drive to be a deviant, there’s the struggle to correct norms. That’s probably the time that I bred both my social phobia and my avoidant personality.

It’s probably why I keep reacting violently when I see injustice, when I see someone being teamed up even if they were wrong in the first place. Yes, I’ve acknowledged that my friend was wrong to keep insisting her point what seems dubiously wrong in the first place.

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How did I see it manifest?

So I was able to attend a meeting where all the members of the psychological society was required to attend. That’s where I saw for myself how cold it feels.

It was supposed to be my first time to appear in their midst, but that simply felt like… wow, they know me already. It’s no longer their first time to meet me. At that time, I’ve seriously felt like I wanna go home. I was uneasy, the drive to fidget was barely suppressible.

もうなれたはずなんだけど…まったく心はちょっと期待しましたかも。なんか痛くなるわ。馬鹿なの、俺?
Something I scribbled right on that first actual meeting with them, enduring the awkwardness while not letting it show. The translation was added only before I took a photo of it. You know, it’s easier to pen it out than keep fidgeting out of uneasiness.

I’m a veteran for cold wars, yes. But it simply isn’t easy on the inside, no matter how well you can appear to look fine on the outside.

Worse, is when I eventually found out that some guy unfriended me on Facebook, manifesting his obnoxious nature to enter commotions he wasn’t supposed to be directly involved in.

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And?

In the end, we can’t help if certain people do not make us feel we’re welcome. So as a conclusion to this specific issue, I must say that, they’re just colleagues in the same degree. If they make me feel unwelcome, it’s fine. But it’s simply the fact that… they’re not the school administration. They’re not the instructors who will be the ones who’d actually accommodate me for the rest of my stay in this school. They can make me feel unwelcome for as long as I’d just stop caring, because they will graduate ahead of time anyway. And I’ll be left in the school without them, and there will be more people who are less prejudiced to moody people.

Imagine how shameful that is to realize they’re psychology students. They should have known better how to accommodate (internally) people who exhibit unusual behavior.

As a general occurrence…

Rejection is always inevitable, I know.

It’s my faulty perception and handling of rejection that I think is wrong.

But somehow, I know, that I’ll have to deal with subliminal rejection for as long as I live.

Because this is a country that is cruel to people who think outside of the box, to people whose norms differ, to people who may have done nothing wrong but their minor differences causes them to be ostracized, to people who will be subject of prejudice and rumor, and people who simply stand out.

I want to differ from those kind of unkind people. I want to be accommodating and listening, and understanding.

I’d rather not let people know my hideous opinions because I know that they can change for the better if they find in themselves that they have something to change. I don’t want to condemn people who do something wrong for a single instance, because I know if there’s no acceptance after a mistake, they will live in a hell of a life regretting their mistakes instead of actively doing something in positive retribution.

Reality is a cruel thing, but I believe hiding it until people can deal with it effectively would be better and helpful.

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Everyone is unique and different. Views, opinion, values, ethics and norms vary per individual. I believe that being unwelcome to differences is simply a rejection to the invitation of someone to just live harmoniously despite apparent disparity.

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Epilogue: I think my post has deviated way too much from what I intended to write about. But I think the bottom line is still the word “unwelcome”.

The induced cessation of one’s existence

I wanted to talk about this topic while I am disturbed while writing my research proposal regarding depression.

This post contains potentially disturbing themes that may be triggering to some individuals. Discretion is advised.

Please read the end notes for further reading.

And I really do not like misunderstandings or anything, but my view on suicide is being more understanding, empathizing and not blaming them, and helping them prevent it.


Suicide

I definitely did not want to title my post “suicide” because I simply lack confidence with regards to being accountable for what I post publicly. Nonetheless, I believe I am entitled to react with what I read online, and to vent out when I need to.

I ended up exploring this gray area in the topic of depression after my research proposal inevitably led me to this particularity. I had to complete a section that would define terms, and I was about to use the word, “completed suicide“. After thinking twice, I decided to search it up.

I found out that suicide prevention communities do not like this term for inaccuracy.

After reading two web pages, what I included in my research proposal’s background of study regarding this topic is the following:

A widely known association with depression is suicide. And in as far as the media and popular culture has promoted the word misuse regarding suicide, “committing suicide” and “completed suicide” are the two most protested terms frequently used.

To “commit suicide” sounded like “suicide is a sin”, a “religious offence” (Beaton, Forster, & Maple, 2013). The language involved seems to “perpetuate stigma, constrain thinking and reduce help-seeking behavior”, and cited that even the bereaved and suicidal people have commented that stigmatizing language is “unhelpful” (Beaton, Forster, & Maple, 2013). They have called on that as health professionals, their goal is “to reduce the taboo and stigma surrounding suicide”.

Freedenthal (2013) also said that people in suicide prevention communities are “passionate” with the language that they use. However, what is commonly used is highly different. To “commit suicide” implies doing a crime, “completed suicide” implies suicide is like a “project” that must be finished, and “successful attempt” and “failed attempt” are supposed to imply a positive connotation with success and a negative implication with failure (Freedenthal, 2013). Freedenthal calls out that there must be sensitivity to language.

(Bear in mind that I am very weak (to the point I might loathe it already) with research and I really lack confidence with how I worded it. And nonetheless, since mistakes are supposed to aid one in learning, I’m willing to put out something that may be corrected.)

It is a good thing that during this research work, I have learned a lot and corrected myself a lot regarding knowledge on mental disorders.

I agree that language is a very powerful thing known to man. It can induce the stigma, it can cause more pain to the bereaved and the survivors, and it can imply the wrong thing.

I have long separated from the religion-centric mentality, and I wanted to be more humanistic when time comes for me to be practicing my psychology degree in the future. And as someone who writes out of leisure with the hope that he may spread awareness, I really want to separate my religion from what suicide is. I do not want to keep thinking suicide is some sort of spirit possession because in the attempt to “save a life”, I want tangible concepts. I want to believe in the biological, psycho-social, cognitive-behavioral and other angles for etiology of various mental disorders.

Part of me thinks that as a contradiction to an animal behavior to strive for continuance of existence, suicide also rests in the subconscious of an individual; however, as Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs suggests (self-actualization), it may be a higher mental process. Perhaps, the perception that there is no hope, there’s a vague chance to survive self-insufficiency, or the feeling of powerlessness, or maybe just some inexplicable endogenous drive to want to cease existing… these reasons could be above the hindbrain’s processes.

I have to admit that by now, none of my statements are driven by empirical facts or at least, theoretic grounding.

I can word it out from experience that instead of “committing suicide”, it must be about being “induced to do suicide”, whatever that inner force may be.

And it’s a shame that popular culture has created this “succeeding” and “failing” at suicide. Just because it is an “attempt to end one’s life”, we can casually label success or failure.

NO. In most instances, it is beyond the consciousness of an individual that they are already in desperation of escaping whatever seems to haunt them.

Maybe it’s my experience of being suicidal, myself, that I was able to indulge in the feeling and relate to this topic. Maybe it’s my experience and the perceptions I’ve developed, coupled with my past biological science upbringing.

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Suicide is not [merely] a sin

Then and again, I want to believe that suicidal ideations by mentally challenged individuals are not wrong in the sense that it is their mood that induced it. However, I also want to say that while there is hope, I want them to go on living.

Suicide may be selfish. But there are people who wanted to die thinking they “do not  want to further cause other people problems”― clearly something not done purely on selfishness.

Suicide may be a sin to oneself not because of whatever belief with the destination of one’s soul. I think it’s depriving one’s self of a bright future. It’s the impatience that would kill a pupa from becoming a beautifully fluttering butterfly.

If it was a cruel reality that caused someone to have ideations, I think it might be relevant to say, “no one chose to be born in the first place”. But from my existentialist view, “all humans are born to suffer”.

That’s why in my experience, I’ve tried combating my thoughts all alone with the thinking, “all of these are going to pass”.

We cannot condemn those who do suicide, because to them there is no hope. There is no trust in the future. We don’t have any privilege to look down on them because we can never place ourselves in their shoes, because everyone’s psyche― personality, perception, cognition & behavior included ―is different. Someone’s struggle can never be 100% understood, even if we try to empathize.

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Conclusion

It’s never easy to come out as suicidal when you know that the appropriate help that you need is more put out of reach by the stigma caused either by religion or culture.

That’s why, I am very thankful that I’ve come to know about how to improve myself with regards to language and word usage. There is a substantial amount of knowledge that I received.

We must never allow stigmatizing language to persist, whatever field of concern this may apply to.

Let empathy be both being considerate and being appropriate.

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End notes:

Bibliography
(further reading is encouraged)

Beaton, S., Forster, P., & Maple, M. (2013). Suicide and language: Why we shouldn’t use the ‘C’ wordhttps://www.psychology.org.au/Content.aspx?ID=5048

Freedenthal, S. (2013). Language about Suicide (Part 1): The Power of Wordshttp://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/04/13/language/

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Author’s note

Please. Do not comment anything derogatory or something that would kill my morale. I have to admit that I have doubts posting something as this, I have doubts if I was able to say what I needed to or properly avoided being ambiguous or derogatory and rejection is utterly one of my worst enemies. I am begging you, I have very little self-confidence.

Experience is the best teacher.

Mistakes must not define a person. But we can’t help it, mistakes become a driving force, for avoidance.

I really do advocate that mistakes must not define a person. But in a self-assessment, it simply is an inescapable cycle.

Imagine that at 21, I don’t know what a term paper. At 21, I still get anxious in crowds. At 21, I’d rather stay home. At 21, I should have been financially self-sufficient but I’m back to a college freshman. At 21, I am avoiding romance or even the ‘normal’ levels of social contact.

In other words, because of my mistakes and self-consciousness, there’s already that driving force not to repeat them NOR allow anyone to commit them.

That’s why, I keep correcting people and giving them my mistake of a life as an example so that they will not suffer the same way I do, whether they’re older or younger. Experience will always be the best teacher.

BUT. In the same stance, I also want to emphasize that, having to do things for people all the time causes them more damage than good. It is of the same ideology as loan. What you loan now is robbing yourself of your future. Or something like that.

Trying underhanded things, shortcuts as we call them, just to get through with the present circumstances, actually robs us of our future.

Cheating on a test to pass simply means we’re doing little effort to learn things as they should. BUT I’m not saying that it’s a universal fact, because there are teachers who are assholes that are irresponsible with teaching. Though my survival kit in surviving these kind of teachers is fleeing to the library and read, read, and read.

Excessively depending on others is also one. College was supposed to be the time we hone individual skills, but in a crucial time, when we excessively depend on our group mates, we lose our chance to gain skills. When we arrive at a workplace, we do not have the necessary abilities even if we have the college degree required.

That’s one of the things that I wanted to move away from. Because at the start of my college life in my former university, I was too complacent. I was too lax. And I ended up disoriented.

That’s why, I have this “I’d rather fail and retake than pass without sufficient mastery” mentality.

But at the same time, I feel like, I’ve also robbed myself of time in some other way.

It’s out of too much pursuit of knowledge that I am now an imbecile when it comes to social interactions. And no matter how I want to change it, nothing improves.

The mistake becomes a driving force, for avoidance.

I want to take an experiential approach to rehabilitate myself.

And someday, I can prove that my lack of social skills isn’t permanent.

 

To take no one’s side.

“It’s not because you don’t care. It’s because you care, that you need to leave things as they are, because it is not for you to meddle with.”

I am well aware of the saying that being neutral in dispute is a cruel act of abstaining from taking part. Sometimes I agree. Because at some point in our lives, we have to choose the least evil. But there are times I disagree.

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When is it important to not take part?

Why do we take a side in the first place? Or to simply ask, where is our bias?

Is our bias in the truth and reality? Or do we chose our biases based on the people we favor more? Or is our bias the ‘lesser evil’?

Oftentimes we just feel like taking a side because we feel cornered. Or we don’t choose a side because it feels like trouble.

If we choose truth and reality, we take time to assess all pertinent information known to the public, plus what assumptions seem valid enough to be considered.

If we choose our favored people, it is utter disgrace. Is it because we have utang na loob (indebtedness) to them? Is it because we simply like them and can’t afford to ‘betray’ them? Either way, it’s not how it should be, because what’s right is right, for the benefit of those wronged and those in the right.

If we choose the lesser evil, it’s still like condoning the ‘lesser evil’ because they have ‘more good’ in them, where in fact this shouldn’t be. I don’t want to bring in politics here but, taking a side in the Marcoses because of the apparent dislike of the Aquinos and the grave offenses they did, or taking side with the Aquinos because Marcoses have more substantial evidences with their wrongdoings, provided that there is existing knowledge about the wrongdoings of both sides, is still simply not acceptable.

Let me tell this. I hate both, because my main trigger is injustice. If I find anyone disrespecting justice or condoning injustice, there is no doubt I will really start to dislike that person. Even if it costs me my social life ONCE MORE.

Not that this was written because of politics, there’s more reason why I’d write this. It’s the time when I have two people fighting in front of me, then I remembered that time when I had a fight with a former friend, and our poor mutual friend is initially torn, but resorted to not taking a side. Somehow, I feel sorry for them.

I also wanted to say that when there’s no sufficient information, it is  just right to not take any side. But if there is, try to take a side.

However, if it’s interpersonal and I’m a third party, it is obvious that I wouldn’t take a side, simply because it isn’t something that I should sort out. It’s about the people themselves involved to sort it out, themselves.

People can call you balimbing or pula-puti. But they too carry the burden of evidence to prove such statement. However, rumors alone can ruin reputation.

It’s not because you don’t care. It’s because you care, that you need to leave things as they are, because it is not for you to meddle with.

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There’s a time to take a side, and there’s also a time to not take a side.

永遠の八月

…to that young lad who wished a better future, THIS is your future.

“Eien no Hachigatsu” by Goose house.

The me of now,
Opening his heart to the young boy in the picture
“This is your future”,
Do I say it?

― Goose house

 Honestly, this song got me crying for around 30 minutes.

It’s the key of F-sharp major that totally portrayed a shade of a summer sunset, the warm breeze blowing, sweeping across the countryside.

It’s the emotions the singers of Goose house have portrayed― the lost youth, the disappointing present, the reminiscence of the time that has passed after one unforgettable summer.

What specifically made me cry was this phrase that I emphasized.

It made me remember my youth― how hopeful I wanted my future to be, how I wanted to change the cruel reality I used to live in, be surrounded with good people and have a good life after I graduate college.

But now… it’s a total disappointment.

I’m at the age where a person in this country would already have graduated college, yet I am back to being a college freshman. Instead of being surrounded by people, I’ve ended up avoidant. Instead of rewriting people’s prejudice against me, it’s like I put more firewood in the fire of my own stake. I couldn’t nurture my talents and everyday feels like a disappointment.

It’s always a feeling of guilt to that past self that I used to have, but I can never return to anymore.

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To that young lad who wished a better future, look at your future. I am a total failure, a disappointment of your hopes. You once were hopeful of the future. Look at your future self― totally broken, hopeless, and not in any mood to hope for the future.

I’m sorry, that I can never be back to what you were before.

The value of ‘a person to talk to’

Oftentimes we feel like we just want someone to talk to. But there are also times we get too annoyed over having to talk to someone of our problems because it feels like your suffering prolonged. So what exactly is this thing that we wanted in the first place?

These days, I feel too lonely. The loneliness is overwhelming me. I cannot get focused in things I need to focus on nor could I even distract myself from my inner demons. Some moments, I want to  go all out with stuff I need to work on. But I’m also in the place to feel like I don’t want to get out of bed.

It made me think about, ‘if only I had someone to talk to‘.

But then I remembered those times that I felt like, “wow, I feel so tired having to explain the same thing over and over again, like as if they’d understand anyway“.

“Like as if they’d understand anyway”

A line implying that you’ve given up in wanting to be understood, but you still keep hoping for sympathy.

Somehow, it’s ambivalent. You both want and don’t want a person to talk to.

It’s making you feel cornered as to what would you be able to do to ease your own pain, your internal conflicts felt.

A subconscious craving for affirmation.

I think everyone has experience talking and talking then the other person couldn’t even show that they get what you’re annoyed or upset about. Honestly, I’ve really felt that way many times. And I know something may have been wrong in the first place/

I think it’s not someone who understands that we are looking for. I think it’s the validation of our emotions.

We just want to be told “it’s alright to be angry, annoyed and frustrated”, but we also don’t want to be told in that direct wording because, of course, it sounds scripted, unauthentic and faked.

Now it made me end up thinking, what if I end up feeling like “now what’s the use why did I become a counselor/clinical psychologist when I know my efforts might be futile?

Somehow, it’s redundant, that you feel your uselessness amidst your usefulness.

BUT. I think it’s also an advantage. I think it is an advantage that you know what your client feels like. It is a bonus that you know what to say and how can you show authentic empathy for someone who came to seek help.

Empathy, not sympathy.

Nonverbal assurance.

Something I’ve also realized that maybe it’s not through verbal means that we could optimally show people that we care, we want to affirm them and we want to console and suffer with them. I think it would be something nonverbal.

However, this nonverbal means could only be acquired mostly through close people or through family. Especially that males aren’t actually as expressive as females, in a general sense. Of course, it’s weird that you’d just give people a hug when some aren’t okay with that. I personally have, to some extent, intimacy avoidance. And I’d feel more insecure if people get too pushy.

I think simple gestures are enough.

Idle talk: Talk about interests.

Another aspect would be loneliness.

I think it’s because we feel alone that we feel lost. We lose so much motivation and appetite with anything and everything.

I think in this case, it would be great to be discussing stuff that you have in common with someone close to you. I think it’s just right to talk about the problem(s) once and then shift the topic slowly, until it gets to interesting, fun stuff. It’s like, at least you realize that there are still other fun stuff other than what you’re facing, and there are still stuff that would be interesting to delve deeper in.

Singing has therapeutic effects.

One thing I’ve also found very alleviating is singing. In my experience, singing songs I like, especially emotional ones, feel so deep, it’s as if I am unearthing my problems without saying what exactly is my problem. A plus factor would be those in the key where the song is mostly at the upper ranges of one’s chest notes (it’s tough to explain this musical term but… uh… normal singing voice).

And in the process, I ended up developing my singing voice. Who knows, I might be the next internet singing sensation. Hah!

Write a Journal.

As a last resort, it’s about writing a journal that only you could read in a website that is supposed to be public. Well, it’s about making yourself feel like you’ve publicly shouted out your problem, but in truth, you’re the only one who could read that. Note that hiding one’s identity is recommendable, because you’d feel more free.

It’s when you write that you feel like you accurately and uninterruptedly express your emotions: frustration, joy, anger, irritated, excitement, etc.

Conclusion

Either way, no one is the same when it comes to having problems and dealing with them. But what’s universal is, everyone has something to go through, and it would be best to have a listening heart, not just listening ears.

I hope, someday, the fear that I might be lacking when I profess my major would go away. I really just wanted to be confident in helping others with authentic empathy.

I am wishing what’s best for everyone.

― Y. S. T.

Dreams and Ambitions

Around some years ago, I ended up in a slump after getting disillusioned over what did I really want for myself.

I ended up asking myself… ‘Dreams? What are those? I never had one!’

It was in a frustrated tone, seemingly lost in the complexity of the world. Yes, just like when NANASE Haruka responded to TACHIBANA Makoto (Free! Eternal Summer) when he decided he will go to Tokyo for college. I will not deny the fact that that scene totally made me realize my lack of dreams.

It’s the feeling that I was already stuck with a degree that I couldn’t trace as to whether I was the one who chose it or whether I just rode some flow or what.

And it has led to me further losing goals. I was thinking… well, just as long as I have a job, and money, I’ll be fine.

And after I had to drop out of school due to scholastic delinquency, I didn’t even know where to pick myself up, nor how do I pick myself up even, in the first place. The only thing I knew about self-sufficiency was a stable job, by which I can live my petty luxuries in live with the salary I could get.

It was a state of loss.

Until, I ended up remembering the childish dream I’ve had, that I kept on saying all over and over again. I wanted to be a psychologist because my initial assumption, as a teenager, was because they could read minds, that they could be understanding of and patient with their clients, whatsoever.

Now, even if you drop the mind-reading stint, the bottomline is still this: they can be very understanding of and patient with their clients.

I wanted to ease every internally suffering human’s distress, even if I could be deemed unnecessary, or redundant.

That’s why, here I am, not only am I taking Psychology, I also found what I felt like I might be doing in the next ten years. Possibly, I might aim for Clinical Psychology, then Med school, then eventually, Psychiatry.

It could be ambitious, but what if I’d just try and see what I can do?

Coupled with reading about Psych research while doing my research proposal for research class, it made me feel like I want to do Psych research, too, despite that I am actually weak in research, especially citations, paraphrasing and stuff. Mind you, if I’d do philosophical essays, I’d do better, because I’ll have to put more of my own ideas.

/

If there’s one thing I could be thankful that I had to suffer this ordeal of series of mental disturbances, it is because my experiences made me firmer in deciding for something I want to aim for my future.

“Even my own family gave up on me…”

I know I can get really troublesome, because of all the handicaps I seem to have. And it’s just amiss of me, to forget about their right to feel frustrated over my shortcomings.

Of course, in the onset of mental disorders, one cannot help but feel the overwhelming distrust. Or, a justifiable conclusion after a series of events.

But there’s that thing that you have your own faults, but just end up blaming others.

.

At so many points in my life, I’ve felt like, “Nah, even my own family has given up on me”.

Of course, it felt painful, but the numbing sensation of the lethargy was more overwhelming. But after months of keeping that as a mindset, I’ve realized and remembered my mantras that already occurred long before I came in as a Psychology major.

Every person has emotions. Every person acts out of their own thinking. Every person can act out of their emotions. No one has the right to deny people of emotions and the subsequent expression of emotions.

It’s like, I forgot something like a very important living strategy that I wanted to promote, right in my own daily living.

And while I had the right to feel frustrated over something I wouldn’t name, it’s also the fact that I forgot that it was also their right.

Their right to feel frustrated over my shortcomings.

I know I can get troublesome, because of all the handicaps I seem to have (but never outright noted nor outright disclaimed). And it’s just amiss of me.

Just as I’ve felt like giving up with my own life, my family feeling like they want to give up on me should be something normal.

Although, only the sane version of me could comprehend that. So if there’s an onset of anything (be it depression or anxiety), I might just end up questioning everything.

Loneliness

It’s lonely, primarily because it feels like everyone I used to know are now strangers, but subsequently, it is because of my self-imposed isolation.

Oftentimes I succumb to my obsession for solitude before I realize… I’ve already cut off everything cleanly. And this obsession for solitude, is not only troublesome for me, but to the other party as well.

I also don’t understand where does my obsession for solitude come from. But what I’m certain is that, I sometimes just feel lonely, I feel unassured that people would remain beside me beside conflicts and lack of time. That loneliness can kill me.

Now, I look at how I messed up my life all over again.

This time, without the drama, I left my online social media for an alter ego I cannot disclose. (Alter ego, without having to be under DID symptoms)

I have a self that I cannot disclose to others, yet this time I choose to just ‘kill’ him, because he’s gotten… obsolete, unkind, unfriendly, damaged & damaging, avoidant… everything.

And I am the type who’d stand up for all his choices up until the end. Even if they’re in the wrong. Even if they’re gonna hurt me and haunt me in the future.

But the decision to just cut it off lies with the fact that it has brought so much identity dissonance in me. I’ve ended up getting jamais vu with my own real name. I’ve ended up more used to being called my alternate name instead of my real name. I’ve ended up as if I dissociated, but truth is I didn’t.

I’ve caused so many trouble, and I’ve been troubled myself, emotionally. And it also frustrates me that while I share one thing with everyone, there’s more uncommonality than commonality. Which brings me to the loneliness that I am in now.

When I started with that alter ego, I have been hyperactive and extroverted because of one show. But when that show ended, everything felt out of place. I felt like as everyone went to live their lives normally, I’ve stayed.

I’ve longed for that feeling of being one with a crowd within the last two years. But it seems… I can never bring it back.

That’s why I’m giving up.

It was fun while it lasted, but I’d really rather remain in the suffocating solitude that I grew up in than having to risk all my confidence all over again.

Avoidant? Yes, I really am.

I avoid not only responsibilities, failures and accountabilities, but also relationships, be it friends or romance.

/

Someday, I’ll be healed enough to go out of my shell, but I am now considering my alter-ego as outright dead.

I’ll just adjust accordingly in my real life responsibilities, especially that school has become more fun and interesting, and I’ve gotten to like Psychology more and more.