Ever since I got through that disillusionment phase from three to four years ago, my life is all about brooding over my inferiority.
Jack-of-all-trades, but a master of none.
It really hurt when I realized I fell in that category. Because it simply meant, I can do well in any category or field, but I will never have a chance to be superior in only a single category. I lost the chance to consider myself “excellent” in one, single, particular field.
Talent versus Skill
Everyone strives to do well in a field they choose to want to excel in, or wherever their aptitude has brought them too. While me, I’m forever stuck at so many possibilities in my life without bringing myself any glory in only a single field.
1a: Inclination, tendency; b: a natural ability;
2: capacity for learning;
3: general suitability
I can do this, I can do that, I can do so many stuff. But it will never feel enough, because not even the thought that no one can have the same multiple aptitudes as me. It’s really because I will only find fulfillment in seeing myself achieving the state of being a proficient, adept or excellent performer.
It just leaves me frustrated.
I have always known “talents don’t become skills unless you work on them”. Or to sound more professional, “one cannot actualize their potentialities without effort― at the restriction of their historicity“.
In other words, it is a matter of feeling like I am a collection of mediocre pieces of so many things rather than feeling like a superb Mr. Do-It-All (or Mr. Know-It-All).
You know me. I hate mediocrity, in a sense that it is about striving to be at least beyond normal rather than barely reaching the normal range.
I cannot help but assess myself, because before I would sell myself, self assessment would be very important. It is very important to know one’s own true value before we calculate to sell ourselves a bit overpriced than that, so that we don’t end up too overpriced.
And with all honesty, I am too mediocre, despite talented.
See me instantly detecting chords, keys and notes? My capacity is only up to that point. My hands aren’t as skilled as a normal professional pianist’s.
See me pick up so much grammatical errors and contextual incongruence? My capacity is only up to that point. I can never be a good writer. I do not have the skill to write coherently, expressively and professionally.
See me being a very good computer expert, in terms of problem solving and troubleshooting? Again, I am only up to that point. I am far below an actual computer expert.
I’ve already been advised by so many people to shift to this degree, or that degree,or whatever. That has totally put me to chaos, simply because in other people’s varying perspectives, I fit in a field I don’t currently take a path in. And despite the absolute imperfection of those perspectives, it simply is a sound opinion to at least hear out simply because outside of our own body, of our systematic rational existence, there are people who see what we don’t see.
I don’t have to spell it out.
My aptitude rests nowhere other than in my analytical thinking.
I can only analyze, critique, correct, teach and guide. But never produce something worthy of being seen as excellent.
State of Disillusionment
So approximately four years ago, I’ve faced my state of disillusionment.
I’ve seen how much flaw I have as a person, and how inconsistent the reality of my rational existence is when compared to what people believed I
Oh, in case you don’t get that notation: From “believe I am” to “believed I was“.
I have come to realize that no matter how many praises I got for looking like I shine, the reality that I actually am no good in the real world stuck in my mind.
“Those words were simply praises for show, out of courtesy and politeness,” I realized.
And there you get the picture. Constant distrust. An additional contributing factor to my paranoid personality. The very same paranoid personality that has already been conceived upon realizing people, seeing how I seemed to “excel”, would leech off of me. The realization that people would only take advantage of me.
What a wretched life.
So no matter how people would believe in me, my system immediately rejects those words, because my mind will only recognize them as “flowery words of deceit”. And consequently, my confidence suffers.
Now you see how complicated the human rationality is, in a sense that it will be easy for you to now see that it was, and will still continue to be, a domino effect.
Reality is Cruel
That’s why it’s been easy for me to realize what kind of psycho-social approach I would take in my future career: Humanistic.
By realizing humans are born to struggle, no deity will save them from immediate trouble, religion must not constitute to fatalism (e.g. a greater purpose, God’s plan), human struggle is uniform across all nationalities, races, or religions… it brought me to realize that everything I went through was simply a structure: a complicated personality, negligence of self, lack of self-consciousness despite the extreme consciousness of one’s actions, society, and culture. Clearly, it is an interplay of internal and external factors across time and space.
“It will be better if I accepted I am mediocre,” and look how it manifested: I no longer am that feisty guy who’d be a gaudy show-off.
By facing a harsh reality, despite seeing my confidence constantly plummet, it’s also accepting what I really am, how my skills really compare with actual practitioners or performers, and being true to the actuality of the embodiment of my rational existence.
Because reality does not readily change.
It would be easy to change when for example, a gray wall faces a reality that “the wall is not green” was painted green to alter reality.
But human capabilities and personality takes decades to develop, and a lifetime to persist.
Long story short.
I really feel frustrated that I’m just like this, an all-chords musician, a terrible writer, an all-talk-no-action (extremely idealistic) kind of a person, et cetera.
I really feel frustrated that despite so many possibilities that I possess, they should have been a current actuality had I worked on them long ago. To the point that the list includes my social skills.
But it’s easier to accept the reality I live in, and its nature of not easily yielding to efforts of changing it.
Post script: I decided I’ll add anime screen caps of anime characters that show an appropriate emotion as a featured photo, from this post onward. That is, in the case I can’t add a good actual photo of mine.